Understanding Contempt in Relationships: A Gottman Method Approach

Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. According to the Gottman Method, a research-based approach to couples therapy, contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce. It erodes trust, intimacy, and emotional connection, making it essential to recognize and address before it causes lasting damage.

What Causes Contempt in Relationships?

Contempt often stems from long-standing frustrations, unmet expectations, or unresolved conflicts. It can develop when one partner feels superior to the other, leading to belittling behaviors. Common triggers include:

• Unmet Emotional Needs – Feeling unheard or unappreciated over time.

• Resentment – Holding onto past grievances instead of resolving them.

• Poor Communication – Failing to express needs effectively.

• Lack of Empathy – Dismissing or minimizing a partner’s emotions.

How to Spot Contempt

Contempt can manifest in both verbal and nonverbal ways. Recognizing it early can prevent it from escalating. Here are some common signs:

• Sarcasm & Mocking – Using a condescending tone or making hurtful jokes.

• Eye-Rolling & Sneering – Dismissive body language that signals disrespect.

• Name-Calling & Insults – Attacking character rather than addressing issues.

• Passive-Aggressive Remarks – Masking criticism with fake concern.

What to Do When Contempt Shows Up

Addressing contempt requires intentional effort and a commitment to healthier communication. Here’s how to counter it:

• Practice Appreciation – Shift focus to what you admire about your partner instead of dwelling on faults.

• Use ‘I’ Statements – Express feelings without blaming (e.g., “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”).

• Build Emotional Safety – Foster a culture of respect by validating your partner’s emotions.

• Seek Professional Help – Therapy can provide tools to rebuild trust and strengthen connection.

Get Support with Breath of Hope Professional Counseling

If contempt is harming your relationship, professional guidance can help you and your partner reconnect. At Breath of Hope Professional Counseling, we use the Gottman Method to help couples overcome communication barriers and rebuild a foundation of respect and understanding. Reach out today to schedule a session and take the first step toward a healthier relationship.

Click here to schedule a session.