Building Connection through Understanding in Relationships
Learning to use conflict as an opportunity to understand and connect with your partner is key to fostering a deeper relationship. Before offering advice, it's crucial to first understand where your partner is coming from.
Take the example of Mike and Stacey. When Stacey gets upset, Mike often jumps in with solutions, trying to fix her feelings without fully understanding why she’s upset. This response leaves Stacey feeling invalidated, as if her emotions are a problem that needs fixing. This reaction has roots in their childhood experiences. Stacey’s family encouraged expressing all emotions, positive or negative, while Mike’s family avoided negative feelings, labeling them as irrational.
Due to these differing perspectives, when difficult emotions arise, both partners feel misunderstood.
Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples work on their attunement—a skill that allows partners to align with each other emotionally. He recommends having a weekly “State of the Union” meeting where couples focus on understanding one another’s feelings. In this process, Dr. Gottman emphasizes that understanding must come before advice.
The Role of Attunement
Attunement allows couples to feel connected and safe with each other. When this emotional harmony exists, it positively impacts all aspects of the relationship, including intimacy. The process involves focusing on each other’s feelings without jumping into problem-solving mode.
In Gottman’s ATTUNE model, the listener's role is vital. Here’s a breakdown:
U = Understanding – Genuinely seeking to know how your partner feels.
N = Non-Defensive Listening – Avoiding getting defensive or shutting down.
E = Empathy – Showing you truly care about your partner’s emotional experience.
Negative Emotions as Opportunities for Intimacy
In every close relationship, there are moments where negative emotions surface, such as sadness, anger, or fear. These emotions, while uncomfortable, are a gateway to deeper connection if handled with understanding.
Unfortunately, many of us, like Mike, grow up believing that negative emotions should be suppressed or fixed. This mindset leads to an avoidance of difficult feelings, which can create a barrier in relationships. However, emotions are natural, and they provide valuable insight into what we care about most.
When emotions are dismissed, they don’t simply disappear. As Susan David, Ph.D., explains, bottling emotions leads to lower levels of well-being and higher levels of anxiety. On the other hand, when we embrace emotions as part of the human experience, they become opportunities for growth and connection.
Shifting Your Approach
When your partner expresses difficult emotions, instead of dismissing or downplaying them with comments like “You’re overreacting,” try asking, “Help me understand what’s bothering you.” This approach fosters an environment where your partner feels safe to express their feelings and, in turn, creates a stronger emotional bond.
As Dr. Gottman says, “All emotions are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.” By seeking to understand why your partner feels the way they do, you strengthen your relationship.
Your Partner’s Emotions Are Not Your Responsibility
One of the biggest traps couples fall into is the belief that they are responsible for fixing their partner’s emotions. When Mike tried to cheer Stacey up or downplayed her emotions, he unknowingly caused more harm than good. Over time, Stacey began to feel more distant from Mike. Their relationship became less intimate, and they both felt more like housemates than partners.
The key is to realize that you don’t need to fix your partner’s emotions. What they need most is your understanding. When Mike learned to simply listen to Stacey without trying to solve her problems, their relationship began to heal.
Discovering Your Partner’s Uniqueness
True intimacy blossoms when we stop trying to change our partners and instead appreciate them as they are. By asking open-ended questions and reflecting back what you hear, you can better understand the unique person you’re in a relationship with. Questions like, “Is there more to this?” can help reveal deeper emotions and meanings behind the conflict.
In the weekly “State of the Union” meetings, the goal is to appreciate your partner’s feelings, including the underlying causes that may have contributed to the conflict. By doing so, you transform moments of tension into opportunities for emotional closeness.
The Power of Understanding
Ultimately, seeking to understand your partner allows you to turn conflict into a chance for intimacy. By focusing on understanding before offering advice, you create a space for true connection, emotional safety, and a thriving relationship.
Click here to book an appointment with Breath of Hope Professional today. We are here to help.
