Dr Gottman states “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know some-one, how can you truly love them?” (Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work book: p. 54.)

The foundation of a relationship is friendship. When conducting research, terms must be defined. Dr. John Gottman defines friendship in three ways, Love Maps, Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Toward. Building the friendship foundation can be done by strengthening all 3 parts. This article is going to focus on Love Maps of Dr Gottman’s Sound Relationship House.

WHAT ARE LOVE MAPS?

Love Maps are simply a method of getting to know your partner better by increasing your knowledge and awareness of their inner world. In essence, this is a mental “map” of your partner’s likes and dislikes, preferences, daily activities, hobbies, life dreams and history. You might wonder why you need to do this — after all, you probably feel like you know all there is to know about your partner. Or you may say, “When do we find the time. We are just so tired.” People change over time and Gottman’s research has shown that it is common to lose track of what is meaningful to one another. Your partners’ preferences from five years ago may not be the same today. Relationships that are successful have strong Love Maps. This means you have to reconnect often and prioritize Love Maps.

Using a map analogy, some people only have a very general understanding of another person, like the state highway map level of detail. They know the basics, but not the details. Good friends know each other well. They talk about what is going on in their lives and how they feel about it. They ask open-ended questions to find out more. The map of their partner’s world is very detailed, like the google maps that have every road and cul-de-sac on them. The goal is to uncritically understand each other’s views and feelings about things important to them. Deepening one’s Love Maps isn’t just an intellectual exercise because when individuals share with each other, it draws them closer emotionally. It keeps them connected. It’s one way of putting points in the emotional bank account.

LOVE MAPS WITH CHILDREN

Just as you need to learn all that you can about your partner, it is equally important to learn about your child. The most effective way to do this is to make “Kid Love Maps.” Children grow and change quickly! Their favorite things may only last a few days. Parents who are successful at making Love Maps will learn and recall their child’s preferences and interests and make remembering them a priority. For example, learn what positions your baby likes when being held. Learn what foods are favorites for your toddler. Learn the daily schedule in preschool and find out what the kids do during circle time. Making Love Maps is a lifetime skill as your children have new friends, new hobbies, new hardships, and new successes. Each of these is an opportunity for a stronger parent-child relationship.

The tool of open ended questions is powerful in creating those Google Map like Love Maps. Spend time asking each other open ended questions. Unfortunately, most questions that people tend to ask one another are closed- ended questions which can often be answered with “yes or no. Examples of closed-ended questions include: “ When is the plumber coming.? Are you going to make dinner?

When your partner asks you an open-ended question, it shows that they are really interested in knowing about you. Successful relationships use open-ended questions. Examples of open-ended questions include: How has your outlook on life changed in the past 2 yrs. ? • “What is your ideal vacation?” “Where would you be like in five years?”

You can quickly change the tone of your relationship simply by shifting from statements to open-ended questions.

If you and your partner are interested in doing couple work, set up a consult with Kimberlee Daughtry Lopez, LPC-S, Certified Gottman Therapist. Click here to learn more.

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