The Sassy Guide to Bids for Connection: Turn Towards, Turn Away, or Turn Against?

Bids for connection are like the little love taps we send out into the world, hoping for a response that strengthens our relationships. Dr. John Gottman, the master of relationship science, introduced the concept of bids for connection as a way to understand how couples interact and nurture their emotional bond. But let's put a sassy spin on it and explore the dynamics of turning towards, turning away, and turning against, using Gottman's Sound Relationship House as our guide.

The Bids for Connection Game:

Picture this: You're sitting on the couch, engrossed in your favorite TV show, and suddenly your partner playfully nudges you, trying to get your attention. This is a bid for connection, a gentle invitation to engage and connect. Now, how you respond determines the fate of your relationship's emotional bank account.

Turning Towards - The Winning Move:

When your partner makes a bid for connection, turning towards is like hitting the jackpot. It means you're fully present, engaged, and responsive. You acknowledge the bid, respond warmly, and show genuine interest. This response strengthens your emotional bond, builds trust, and deepens your connection. Turning towards says, "You matter to me, and I'm here for you."

Turning Away - The Risky Business:

Turning away is like a brush-off, a missed opportunity to connect. It's when you ignore or dismiss your partner's bid for connection. Maybe you're too caught up in your own thoughts or distractions. Turning away sends the message that you're not interested or available, eroding the emotional connection. So, put down that phone, pause the Netflix binge, and turn towards your partner instead.

Turning Against - The Dangerous Move:

Turning against is like throwing a wrench into the gears of your relationship. It's responding to your partner's bid with hostility, criticism, or defensiveness. It's a power move that escalates conflicts and undermines trust. Turning against says, "I don't care about your needs, and I'm ready for a fight." If you find yourself veering towards turning against, take a deep breath, check your ego at the door, and choose a more loving response.

Building the Sound Relationship House:

Gottman's Sound Relationship House provides a blueprint for creating a solid foundation for your relationship. The key is to foster an environment where bids for connection thrive and are met with positive responses. Here's how you can build the Sound Relationship House with sass:

Build Love Maps: Get to know your partner's hopes, dreams, and fears. Show genuine interest, listen actively, and ask thoughtful questions.

Share Fondness and Admiration: Express your appreciation and admiration for your partner. Celebrate their successes and express gratitude for the little things they do.

Turn Towards Bids: When your partner makes a bid for connection, respond with enthusiasm and warmth. Show that you value their efforts and are invested in the relationship.

Nurture Emotional Bank Accounts: Make regular deposits into your emotional bank account through acts of kindness, support, and affection. These deposits create a buffer during challenging times.

Manage Conflict: Disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them determines the health of your relationship. Practice healthy communication, active listening, and compromise.

Create Shared Meaning: Cultivate shared goals, values, and traditions. Find activities that bring you closer and create lasting memories.

In conclusion, bids for connection are the threads that weave the fabric of a thriving relationship. Turning towards these bids with love and enthusiasm strengthens the emotional bond between partners. Turning away or turning against can erode trust and create distance. By embracing the sass and applying Gottman's Sound Relationship House principles, you can master the art of turning towards and create a strong and vibrant connection with your partner. So, get sassy, turn towards those bids, and watch your relationship flourish!

By Kimberlee Daughtry Lopez, Certified Gottman Therapist., LPC-S

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